Family resemblances...

When a child is born, we often make "comparisons" to other family members. When Hayden was born, we said:

• "Oh look...she has Josh's nose!"
• "Awww...she has Mommy's mouth!"
• "Look at her hair, it is red/blonde/brown (depending on the day/light/outfit)...it is the same color as Lauren's/Josh's when they were babies!"
• "WOW...she looks EXACTLY like Mommy/Daddy (again depending on the day/light/outfit)!"

and most recently (and to me, most meaningful)

• "Hayden looks a lot like your Grandma!" (Lauren's Grandma Vogel)

So, for a little background. In September 2007, my Grandma Vogel (my Mom's Mom) had what was believed to be a heart attack. Turns out it wasn't, but she did have a complete aortic valve failure and needed a "transplant". This was done, she was sent home to recover, and slowly her body rejected it. My Grandma was allergic to EVERYTHING...like seriously, if it was a medication, she was allergic to it. For example, she was allergic the sun and alcohol. The transplant valve they gave her was a pig valve. This is very common, but her body didn't like it. She returned to the hospital. After a long time in the hospital, very near death, her kidneys failed, she had a tracheotomy, she made an amazing recovery. The whole family had spent Christmas 2007 in the hospital with her...treasuring every second we had with her. She left The Mayo Clinic (in Rochester, MN) in (I believe) February 2008. She was getting kidney dialysis 3-4 times per week, taking tons of pills per week, needed around the clock care, and was just no longer the Grandma we remembered. She had her moments, where her wonderful sense of humor came out, she smiled, her eyes lit up, and she carried on the conversations I had always loved to have with my Grandma.

I went to Iowa to visit her over Easter 2008, when she was in a continued care home in Omaha, NE. The morning I left to visit her, I took a pregnancy test because my period was about 5 days late and Josh told me to take one just to be sure. As it turned out, I was pregnant. I told my mom, aunt, and cousin when I got there that I was pregnant, but did not tell my Grandparents because I just didn't think it was information that my Grandma could handle at the time, and she would worry about me every second of every day. It was hard to keep from her, but I knew it was for the best. When I was about 12 weeks along, and my Grandma was getting better and was back at home, I sent them a card with an ultrasound picture telling them that they were going to be Great-Grandparents again! They were SO excited...and shocked, as they had NEVER seen an ultrasound picture before! Such a cool experience for them.

Then, I went back to Iowa again for about 2 weeks in July 2008 to be in Okoboji with the whole family. Grandma was still getting dialysis 3 times per week and required around the clock care (my mom and aunt were doing this), but she was MUCH more herself again. It was amazing to "have my Grandma back". We were sitting on her bed one night, talking about my pregnancy, and how we were going to name the baby "Hayden Jo". See, my Grandma's name was "Betty Jo", and many people in my family (on my mom's side and dad's side) have the middle name "Jo". We thought it would be a great way to carry on a tradition. My Grandma was shocked that we would want to use "Jo" for a middle name, but she loved it. She then told me something that I will never forget. She said, "I only hope that I can live to see the day when "Little Missy" (something she always called her granddaughters) will run in the bedroom in the morning, jump on the bed, and say "Good Morning Grandma!" I got really teary-eyed at this point, and told her "I hope you do too, Grandma!" (I'm sure you can see where this story is going.) That summer was the last time I got to see my Grandma.

On Friday, November 14, 2008, at 8:19 a.m., my daughter, Hayden Jo, was born. That afternoon, my Mom received a phone call from my aunt saying that they were taking Grandma off of dialysis, and she wouldn't live for more than a week. Can you imagine? One second, my mom is standing there enjoying and adoring her hours-old granddaughter, and the next second, she is being told that my Grandma would only live for maybe a week!?!?! It was awful. I was still so out it from 21 1/2 hours of labor, that I don't think I fully grasped the idea. I could see in my mom's eyes that she was struggling emotionally with the whole situation. I went home from the hospital on Sunday. Mom was getting phone calls from my aunt saying that Grandma wasn't doing great. Mom was struggling with staying with me to help with the new baby and going to be with her mom on her death bed. On Wednesday, Grandma was doing OK...but not great. We finally convinced Mom that she needed to go be with her Mom...Josh, Hayden, and I made a video to introduce Hayden to Grandma (and Grandpa) knowing that we wouldn't be able to travel back to Iowa with a newborn to say goodbye to my Grandma. Mom left my house that night to get packed and leave for Iowa Thursday morning. Thursday morning, early, we got the phone call that the inevitable had happened...Grandma passed away at about 7 a.m. on November 20, 2008. Just 6 days (almost to the hour) after my little Hayden was born. I didn't get to say goodbye. Hayden would never be able to run into Grandma's bedroom in the morning and say "Good Morning Grandma!" And even worse, my mom didn't get to be there and say goodbye to her Mom, as her flight didn't leave here until Thursday morning after my Grandma had passed.

I can't even begin to explain the emotions felt over the next week. I couldn't be there to say goodbye...to comfort my mom, my grandpa, my cousins, and the rest of the family. I couldn't be there for the funeral...to share stories with everyone like the rest of my cousins did. (Though, they showed a picture of me, Josh, and Hayden while my cousin Hannah read one of my favorite memories of my Grandma with everyone at the funeral.) I had to be home...to take care of my week old baby girl....feed her....love her....and be a mom. Everyone understood that it was impossible for me to be there...but deep down, I was heart broken. BUT, I had to remember...as one life enters the world, another leaves.

To this day, I miss my Grandma so much. I wish the circumstances could have been different. I wish I could have said goodbye. I wish I could have been there.

So, on November 14, 2009, Hayden Jo will be 1. On November 20, 2009, it will have been 1 year since my Grandma, Betty Jo Vogel, passed away. In the upcoming weeks, I will not only be celebrating the most beautiful girl's 1st year of life...I will be remembering the beautiful life that my Grandma lived. She was amazing.

As Hayden has gotten older, one of my favorite qualities of hers has started to show through even more. My daughter has the most beautiful blue eyes. My Grandma had the most beautiful blue eyes. They are the same color...same beautiful soul. So, every day, when I look into my little Hayden's eyes, I see my Grandma as well. It just couldn't get any better than that.

Grandpa and Grandma, Summer 2007.

Hayden, Fall 2009.